The anxiety attacks have started up again. Don't know why, but I've had three this week. Those fun ones where you feel your body shaking from the inside. I guess the best way to describe them, is when I think back to my youth, and the few times I did speed, or a really bad coffee buzz. And along with the anxiety, there is the dreaded paranoia.
I guess, some of that probably stems from my own self-loathing. Yes Martha, the boy really does hate himself. No, it's not self pity. It's looking in the mirror and seeing an ogre, a freak, an asshole.
I have people tell me, they think I'm attractive, but I don't see it. I look at me and think I would date that if it were the last man on earth.
I've also been told I'm talented and creative, and smart and witty. Looking from the inside, I don't see it. I know the truth and the truth is, I'm just faking it all. So, no, I don't take compliments well.
I was thinking earlier, I really miss the early '80's. As much as I'd like to not admit it, I used to be a real slut. I miss the days, where, your next blow job was as close as the nearest public bathroom. Anonymous, quick and dirty sex. Get off, and get out. No strings, everybody got what they wanted. And then disease hit and the carefree sex disappeared.
I miss having sex without a condom. Of course, I'm one of the lucky ones. I barely even knew what a condom was, before the early 90's. But even with all the UNSAFE SEX, I'm disease free. I thought about it, a few times, as the people around got sick and died, why was I different?
I've had people ask me why I'm single. Well, I finally gave up on the idea that everyone has someone, out there. My record with relationships isn't the greatest. Ok, it sucks!!! I've been used and abused by too many to even want to deal with it anymore. Relationships are too much work. So, I gave up. To the point, that now, even if someone might be interested in me, I refuse to allow them to get that close. I have now built my moat, my unscalable wall.
I've seen quite a few entries on drug use. Ok, yes, I did experiment in my youth, so I am being hypocritical when I tell people, they shouldn't. I guess it's really my parents talking with my mouth. I tried it and saw where I could become engulfed and I got out before it consumed me. So I'm trying, to protect others from the dangers. Do I approve? Hey, it's your life, you can do what you want with it. It's not my place. I will tell you my opinion if you want to hear it, but I'm not going to continue to preach if you decide to proceed. However, I don't want to be around you when you're doing it.
That really goes for any compulsive, out of control behavior. I guess I've just been around too many people, who did end up getting consumed, so I get scared. And I do know, some people can control themselves and their usage so it doesn't consume them. However, regrettably, they are the minority.
So life goes on. I'm getting older. I miss my youth. I want to frolic naked with the boys. I want to have wild UNSAFE anonymous sex. I WANT TO SWALLOW. Yes boys and girls, I do like the taste. And in my youth, I only spit out twice. And that was because I didn't like the person very much, after I went down on him.
And I want to cuddle up next to a warm body instead of a cold pillow. But I can't and won't. As the proverb goes, I've made my bed and now I have to sleep in it. I accept my decisions. I accept a life alone. I accept.................