Michael (spudpuppy) wrote,
Michael
spudpuppy

Today is entirely too nice to be stuck inside at work. Bright sunshine, 60°F, light southerly breeze, just perfect for causing severe spring fever. I so want to be frolicking naked in the park with lots of boys. (That's boys as in young men, not prepubescent children.)

Unfortunately, my boy frolicking days have pretty much passed me by. I'm starting to think I know what the trolls feel like. I don't feel old, but I can see it your eyes when you look at me. The thoughts going through your head, "leave me alone you old fuck!" I've had a couple of people tell me it's all in my head and not the people actually look at me. Even Lynn brought up the fact that there were two different guys in New Orleans who were both "attracted" to me.

I guess it's really just my make up to be this way. To see myself with the most critical viewpoint. Adam suggested taking St. John's Wort. I'm about 2/3 through the first bottle, but can't really feel any difference. (That black cloud of doubt in myself always hangs there in the background. Those feelings that the world would have been a better place if I had been the miscarriage instead of my sibling.)

This really wasn't supposed to be a dark post. It started so light, so happy, so upbeat...... It's a constant vigil to keep the veil of happy up, so no one knows the truth. I let my attention wander for just a second, and the whole thing comes crashing down.
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