Michael (spudpuppy) wrote,

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Ok, this is one of those boring, filled with self-loathing, entries. Unless you are just in a really masochistic mood, I would stop reading now and go read something that is actually interesting. These are really just random ramblings from a sick mind.

I gave up on the idea of finding that certain someone, a long time ago, and chose to live my life alone. Yes, I know, I'm not living alone, right now. But Lynn is just a roommate.

I accepted the fact that no one would ever be happy with me. I spent most of my life in my own little fantasy world, anyway. I've had people admonish me for feeling this way. Hey, you can have your opinions, these are mine. If you still believe there is someone out there for you, great, I just stopped having that fantasy. It's just like, not believing in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny.

Having said that, most of the time, it really doesn't bother me. But there are those times, when I really miss physical contact. And I'm not talking about sex, just the cuddling, snuggling, feeling there is someone there, I can temporarily lose myself in. To be able to feel safe and secure.

I can also get very analytical, and look at the situation. I can see all of the classic symptoms. I know I suffer from chronic depression. I have for as long as I can remember. Do I want help? Probably not. If I were to say I wanted help, it would conflict with that most basic philosophy, that I am totally worthless. If you're worthless, there is no reason to get help, because you aren't worth getting help. Very cyclic, I know.

Of course, these are the same feelings that cause me to want my life to end. I've had disscussions with people who say they are afraid of dying. I'm not. Most of the time, I would consider my death to be a gift back to the world. Hey, I wouldn't be using resources better used by someone who deserves to live.

I also think about the fact that mom had a miscarrage a couple of years before I was born. And wonder why that individual wasn't given a chance, instead of me. He(she) could have been someone great, instead of worthless. The mind starts working again, if "It's a Wonderful Life" had been about me, Clarence would have agreed, the world was a better place if I hadn't been born.

So, most of the time, these feelings are kept hidden. No one is allowed to see the dark depths of depression I continueously accept. Keep up the happy front, so no one knows.

Obviously, this is one of those times when the feelings are even worse then normal, so a small amount starts to spill out and people notice I'm not completely chipper. They see the tip of the iceberg as it pierces the water, not knowing the depths it extends beneath the surface. Not fulling seeing the dark cloud the covers my inner being.

There are times when I wonder if there really is some omnipotent being out there, who watches. controls and manipulates everything. And he keeps me around as some sort of sick cruel joke on the world. Just some petulance to punish those around me. Ok, basically, a boil on the ass on humanity. Nothing that is really going to kill the world, just an irritation you wish would just go away.

I can't believe, I have actually written this down. That someone might actually be allowed to see some of what goes on inside my head. Although, I seriously doubt I have to worry about it much, I don't know why anyone would subject themselves to reading this entry, anyway.
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