Michael (spudpuppy) wrote,

Mental disfunction

There are times when I really do believe I have some sort of mental disconnect. So many times, when I try to say or write something, what comes out is not what's in my head.

It is so irritating, to go back and read something I've written and notice all of the missing words. Or the meaning isn't what I originally envisioned.

And then, all the times when I attempt to say something, and will get stuck on a word. No matter how hard I try, I cannot get it out of my mouth. So I end up stammering and sounding like a complete idiot.

I've often wondered if I didn't suffer from some form of dyslexia, since there are many times when I'm writing, numbers or letters will end up switching places. Even when I type, there are times when the order the letters are typed in, get reversed. But when I read it, I see they're reversed. So I don't know. Maybe it's not dyslexia, just whatever.

It is frustrating though. So what brought this on. I guess it was mostly a self evaluation. I was reading through various journals today. And made a few comments. When I looked later, other people had also made comments, to which to original writer had responded. However, mine were not responded to. Then I read the comments and noticed they were a bit off.

I don't know. The more I sit here at look at this entry, the more it sounds like self pity. I'm crying because no one ever comments on my journal. I guess maybe there is a bit of that. The feelings of not being the popular kid. Of course, I've NEVER been the popular kid and was always jealous of those that were. Normally, I don't say anything about these feelings. I just keep them inside, because I don't want to sound whiny.

Actually, I need to stop this train of thought. It always leads down that same depression spiral, where I wish I'd never been born. That one where I think god made a mistake, or worse, played a cruel joke and miscarried the wrong fetus.
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